Welcome to the first installment of what I hope will become a weekly entry in this blog. I was going to call it the Friday Five, but since I am posting this one on a Wednesday, that will have to wait until next time perhaps.

Halloween is almost here, and both children and adults have literally hundred of options when it comes to store-bought costumes. Fly-by-night costume shops pop up all over the place, and there are numerous quality websites making it easier than ever to find the perfect costume for a party or trick-or-treating.

Not all costumes are created equally however, and I'm not talking about the quality of material used. It would seem in an effort to fill more shelves, some costume makers will mass produce any idea suggested to them.

After spending some time looking at several costume vendor websites and visiting a few stores, I have found a few of the worst mass-produced costume ideas out there. Yes, there are certainly worse, more offensive, tasteless, or downright poor quality costumes out there, but many I have come across are home-made or one-of-a-kind and not likely to be available at a Halloween USA.

There are certainly other costumes that could be on this list, but in keeping with a top five, I had to pick only one from each of the follow categories: adult male, adult female, youth male, youth female, infant.


Adult Male: A Fork
What's the joke here? You're a kitchen utensil. Sure, there is a matching spoon costume, but how is that any better? I can't image anyone going into a costume store, walking along the many aisles and stopping in front of this and saying "Okay, this is it, I found my costume. I am being a fork this year!" Besides a Broadway musical about the magic that happens on the dinner table every night, I can't picture a scenario that would call on anyone to don this costume without becoming an instant punchline. I don't know if there is a medical condition that causes people to develop an unnatural attraction to generic-looking cutlery, but if there is, the person who made this costume may suffer from it and should probably get themselves checked out.


Adult Female: Sarah Palin
Yeah, this is probably the only year this costume will even be slightly relevant, but Tina Fey already has the market cornered on this one. To make matters worse, somebody thought it would be hilarious to make a wig with miniature versions of the Alaska Governor's most repeated talking points spread throughout. Yeah, that'll be really funny to have to constantly sit still while people examine your hair up close and ask you to explain what each piece means, that is, if they're held on by anything stronger than cheap glue and don't sporadically fall off throughout the party. Mark my words, you wear this thing and two months from now you're going to wonder why there's a tiny moose under your couch.




Youth male: "Tighty Whitey"
I'm not sure who is supposed to be offended the most by this one, but if your son doesn't get mocked enough at school this might help. Of course, what does it say about you if you buy a "costume" that consists of baggy pants and an oversized t-shirt? Is it really funny to see a kid walking around with his underwear showing? No, it's not. This is the costume that inspired me to make this list, as it fails on all fronts.







Youth female: "Pop Stars"
Are we even paying attention anymore? Who wants their daughter to grow up and be like Britney Spears? Is it the two failed marriages before age 30 or the circus of a child custody battle that followed? How about the random headshaving, car attacking, underwearless partying, or drastic weight shifts? While adult females are bombarded with nothing but "sexy occupation" costumes anymore, it's really disturbing to see how costume makers are marketing risque clothing to kids these days. The costume pictured is just one of many examples out there today. Costume stores should be required to contact child protective services whenever someone purchases one of these.





Infant: Pizza Slice
Nothing says Halloween like wrapping your baby in a giant slice of pizza. Wait... what? How are you supposed to carry them around with this thing on? I guess they won't mind having their arms and legs stuck inside the costume all night either. When it comes to baby costumes, there are a lot of absolutely adorbale ones available that don't constict your child's abilty to move on their own.







So that's it. Hope everyone enjoys Halloween, just with better costumes!